Soooo much stuff is just jammed right into my mind all at once, i cant take it, at the moment all i want to do is just SCREAM. I cant actually think recently, every time i try to help myself by mentally analysing the problems just piling up, i melt, crumble and crack. Nothing is ever easy for me and i swear and i just fuck it all as soon as i get my head around an issue properly. I wish i had i giant hand in which i could just freely slap myself, really hard in my face.
I dont actually know what i am going to do with myself. When i was at uni, planning what i was going to do with my life after i threw it away, i was so sure of myself, assertive (which is a first for me) and level headed in knowing which direction i was going to put myself in. NOW, its all gone in reverse, i have actually NO IDEA what the cherry i should do...
I never wanted to be a drop out, and i cant stand people who just give up, i kind of feel a bit sick towards myself for not saying "shut up whining and just do what you're told and pretend to be happy". I don't believe in religion but i believe in nonsense like "if you're not happy, leave... Immediately. Don't waste your time". And where in the universe has that left me? Right in the middle of nowhere.
Im so frustrated, i don't want to be a nobody all my life, but i am not good at anything that will ever make me into something special. If there was a career in brain farts i would win employee of the months every month without fail. I also recently feel myself slowly going down in IQ, maybe too many drunken falls has finally taken its toll on me and knocked sense, academics and yeah creativity clean out of my nose mouth and ears...
On a lighter note, i have had a really good two days with Tory, i met up with her in london on a Uni trip. Went to some galleries, saw the Cindy Sherman exhibition, went to the portrait gallery and showed her the wonders of Camden, Covent Garden and Woolwich. I had a chance to finally take some new photos as i have been a little annoyed at myself for wimping out on Photography completely and not even touching my camera.
Here are some edited ones that i like;
(admittedly this last one is from a a couple of years ago but i thought id reedit it).
xoxo
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